Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
