i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
