He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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