Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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