Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
