turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
