I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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