i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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