Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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