you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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