Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
