her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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