Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Randomize
