Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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