Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
