this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
