I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
