saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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