I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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