I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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