I cannot find my penis.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
