im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
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