that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
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