Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
