Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
