Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
