I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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