it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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