got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
