Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
