my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
