Apparently you make a good broom.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
