I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm passing your future prison.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
