turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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