highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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