sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
