i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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