God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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