this boner is exhausting
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
