So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
