Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
