The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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