I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
