ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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