Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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