Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
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They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
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i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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