he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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