Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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