Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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