I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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