I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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