I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
