You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
