Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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