We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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