she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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