Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
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I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
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my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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