STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
