She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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